Birth Mother

Easter 2009

2009-04-16T23:04:00.002-04:00

Happy Easter Season to all my Adoption Triad Friends!

I am back to tell you all about the blessed Easter we enjoyed in this family. My Birth-daughter and her two girls came to dinner (hubby had to work), as did my other two daughters and their husbands and four children. With my husband and myself, we were thirteen-- a very LUCKY number, as far as I am concerned. The children had an Easter Egg hunt. No snow this year, just grass. How nice! It's been four years since the last Easter with Grass. (>:
We had a wonderful afternoon of feasting and visiting. With the time that has passed since I found her (5 years), we have become comfortable with each other and are not so full of questions. Life is just more relaxed now. And filled with LOVE.

In the morning, prior to dinner, Birth-daughter came to our church and sat with my husband. This kept him from having to sit alone and pleased him very much, as I was singing in the choir. The choir-- it's been a long time since I was part of a choir and I am happy to be back in one.

Then today, was Birth-daughter's Birthday. (>:
I received a delivery of flowers. Guess who from? From her Mom. The note thanked me for giving her 'the greatest gift'... I know I've told you all before, time and time again, but this lady is one of God's special ones. My baby was so blessed to have her for her Mom and I was so blessed to have her to take my baby and BE HER MOTHER. And now, I am so blessed to call her 'My Sister.' I love her folks. I owe her everything.

By the way, the greeting card business is going well. It keeps me busy, for sure.
If you have a need for greeting cards within the Adoption Triad, http://www.GreetingCardUniverse.com/CardArtFromTheHeart/ is the place to go. Just follow the link posted on the side of this page.
Let me fulfill any and all of your card needs... Cards for all tastes and all occasions, not just the Adoption Triad, okay?

Thanks, for your interest. Now I must go read comments and posts and see what I should be answering. God bless you all.
Sue

MESSAGES

2008-09-14T22:44:00.001-04:00

Steph and Jessica,
I have found your comments down two blogs from here and answered them with my comments. Please go down to the Mother's Day blog and click on comments to read what I answered you. Thanks a million and God bless you both!
Your sister,
Sue

SORRY!

2008-09-14T22:02:00.002-04:00

Gosh I can't believe I haven't posted a blog here since Mother's Day! I am sorry...
I have been very busy with my Greeting Cards venture. I have created a line for the Adoption Triad. You will find cards for Reconciliation between members, and Birthday cards for Birth Children (Son and Daughter), as well as for the Birth Mother. Just click on the link on right to go take a look. Once in my store, you will find a "Search in my store" button on left. Fill it in with the apporopriate info. ie: Birthday Birth Son.
Hope you find a card just right for your needs. If you do, we'd love to hear about it on here. Thanks.
I had the most wonderful experience a few days ago. I called my (Birth) Granddaughter to wish her a Happy Birthday. We talked for about ten minutes and then were signing off. Though I have never done this before (not wanting to push her) I said, "I love you," and you know what she answered me? "Not as much as I love you!"
God is good!
For those of you who are yet suffering, hunting, hoping, please hang in there and keep the faith. You never know.... Remember it took me thirty-five years to find her. Perhaps it will take you only 35 days, or perhaps seventy-five years, or perhaps never on this earth. But your child is forever yours, though he/she may be someone else's too, he/she is still yours. You have that. It cannot be taken away from you. You gave birth to another human being...a wonderful part of Y O U!
God loves you and so do I.
Sue

Happy Mother's Day, This Time...

2008-05-15T16:29:00.003-04:00

How was your Mother's Day, ladies? Birth Mothers? Birth Children? Adoptive Moms? From my thirty-nine years of experience as a Birth Mother, I know the emotions of the day can really run the gambit...From the depths of despair to the heights of hilarity, with all the loneliness, secrecy and tears (shed and un-shed) in-between. I know that Mother's Day is supposed to be a day of Happiness, Love and a day of Reward for Mothers. But not Birth Mothers...We were not only the unsung heroes for many, we were the Disgraced and swept under the carpet. But none of that mattered much, with the pain of our lost child overpowering all.
Today I am one of the lucky ones. I found my Birth Daughter a few years ago. My Mother's Day was a Happy Mother's Day, this time. This Mother's Day I received cards from all three daughters. The two I raised, and the one I surrendered. I am not her Mom...that's something you will never be able to get back ladies...no use to pretend. But I am ONE of her Mothers--I am her Birth Mother. And that is beautiful. Enough? You BET. And oh so much more than I ever expected! She is beautiful, inside and out. And she's mine...in part...
And since finding her, I have begun to live my life more freely than ever before in my life. I am retired and dabble in all of those artistic arenas where I just didn't have the time, or confidence, before.
For those interested, please go to http://www.ourstage.com/music/channel/97-soulfest/UMQTCEMAXYID-our-father where I have placed my OUR FATHER recording. I wrote the music, played the keyboard and sang the vocals. Please give it a listen, and if you like what you hear, please vote for me or leave a comment. I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
My Faith brought me through many dark times and my Faith rewarded me with so many unexpecteds. This community is one of the latter. Please share my Faith with me and go take a listen at: http://www.ourstage.com/music/channel/97-soulfest/UMQTCEMAXYID-our-father

Birth Mothers, Go For It!

2008-04-24T23:10:00.002-04:00

My but how time does fly. She just celebrated her 39th birthday. I called and only talked a minute with her. She and hubby and children were out eating at a Chinese Restaurant. Next year will be the big Four-O. Hmmm. That is the age I was when I started actively looking for her. It just doesn't seem possible she could BE that age!

We still talk sporadically on the phone. The stiffness that used to creep in has vanished. We're just comfortable as family now. We have found our groove.

A Birthdaughter is as much my daughter as my other two. What is different is the history. That history that she and her Mom share will never be usurped. We all knew that going in and wanted it no differently. But from what I read in some other Birth Mother blogs and some of their books, I think this is often NOT the expectation of the Birth Mother. If you are one of these Birth Mothers, PLEASE rethink this. The worst thing you could wish for your daughter is to loose that special once-in-a-lifetime bond that she shares with only one woman. That woman is not, never was, and never will be you. So get over this, and grab onto what you DO have and what you CAN have. There is more history happening, as we speak, in yours and your Birth Child's lives. It is my hope that her history will now share big hunks with you AND her Adoptive parents...with Your Family and her Adoptive Family. And oh, if you are blessed abundantly, I wish you all to be as ONE FAMILY. That's what we have now; it is Beautiful; it is what I wish for you.
Remember, you already let that child go once...but now perhaps you have the opportunity to join her/him and hers/his...Go for it!!!

Special Occasions

2008-03-06T16:08:00.003-05:00

Hi again Adoption Triad Community. I have been busy designing new Greeting Cards and stocking my store with them. You can see the link off to the right and click on it to take you to my store. With several Cards designed for the Adoption Triad Community, I am here to ask you for suggestions. Please tell me what you would like to see offered in this neglected catagory. I want to make the cards available for all of us, that we can't find anywhere else. I love my Birth Daughter with a love that can barely be contained within me! And I love her Adoptive Mom just as much! She and I are like a pair of Book-ends that were on different shelves for many years. But now we are a matched pair on the same shelf, sharing the same Classic--our Daughter. There is nothing greater I could have wished for in this life, than to be reunited with my Birth Daughter. I cannot however, say that without adding: A Birth Mother and an Adoptive Mother united is a very beautiful thing... In some ways we are more 'sisters' than the sisters who were born to me. Sharing this child and our love of her--seeing her as the fruit of both of our labors...C'est la vie!
It is easy for me to think of designs for my own personal needs, but I realize that every situation is unique...so please tell me what you want. Do you desire a card for some sort of reaching out? an appology? a reassurance? a Just Thinking of You? Please help me out here. You are my main focus. You are the main reason I started the store. I truly want to offer something to this community. I had so much pain and was so needy for many years. Yet I had to hide my pain and I sought no help. That was not good. Now, because I understand the pain, confusion, love and compassion within the community, and because I am now able to give more since I have been strenghtened coming from a much more joyful place, I want to serve the others in my community...you... So how about it? What are your Greeting Card Needs?
No Special Occasion is ever complete without a Special Greeting Card.
Sue Baumgardner, Birth Mother

What an Awesome God...Make This Family Whole

2008-01-07T22:42:00.000-05:00

Yes, 2008 is definately starting off much better.
My three daughters and their children had a day together Saturday and then #2 daughter's little girl went home with #1 daughter and her girls. She spent the night with her cousins. They spent a magical night together which could only be measured as magnificient! After very little sleep, they rose in the morning and went to Sunday school, followed by Sunday Mass.
What an awesome God who has seen fit to make this family whole!
I notice that a lot of you are dropping by my Greeting Card store front and checking out the Adoption Reunion cards. I will be adding a lot more cards for all occasions within the Adoption Triad, so keep looking. And let me know of any requests you have and I will get right on it, okay? Birth Mother, Birth Father, Adopted Son, Adopted Daughter, Adoptive Mother, Adoptive Father, and how about Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins? Let me hear from you. I want to offer you what you are looking for in your Greeting Cards. And I appreciate all of your support.
Just click on the button to 'Buy Cards' on the bottom of this page.

GOOD NEWS

2008-01-02T19:31:00.001-05:00

Though these are difficult days, it is difficult to realize it at the moment. Good news! Daughter #2 was told today that she does NOT have breast cancer. Praise God.
Thank you all of you who sent up prayers for us. May God bless you all.

Another bit of good news. I have opened a store front on the web for my Greeting Cards. I have only three up so far, but will be adding to the list daily. One of the three now there is intended for the Adoption Triad--especially useful in Reunion cases.
I plan to design and offer a multitude of cards to be used within the Adoption Triad. So, Birth Mothers, Birth Fathers, Adoptive Mothers, Adoptive Fathers, Adopted/Surrendered Child and Siblings, Go take a look. You will find the button at the bottom of this page. You can click on 'Buy Cards' and see what I have to offer. Remember to check the site often, as I will be continually adding cards.

These Adoption/Surrender specific cards will, I believe, be healing for me in the creation of and for you in the consumption of. God bless us all, everyone.

Mothers, Daughters, Sisters..Love the Best Yet

2008-01-01T20:48:00.000-05:00

2008, Here we are. I am starting out this new year with an old friend. My Birth Mother Blog.

I have not posted here in about two months. A lot has happened since my last post.

My husband and I had Thanksgiving Dinner at my Birth Daughter's (or I sometimes refer to her as Daughter #1). Joined together under one roof were: Daughter #1 and her two girls and husband and her Mom. Daughters #2 & 3 and their husbands and four children (3 boys and 1 girl). It was a surreal day--pure magic. Good food, to which we ladies all contributed, good comapnionship and love enough to go all around.

The three sisters ran the show very efficiently we two grandmothers helped as needed but mostly just sat back and enjoyed. I think we both were wallowing in wonderful. We love each other, we love our children and our grandchildren and we are overflowing with gratitude that these families are now joined as one and will know each other as family for evermore.

Children and fathers decorated the Christmas tree, watched the parade on TV, fried turkeys and assembled a gingerbread house. Kids and adults hugged, conspired, confided, exchanged gifts and snapped pictures of each other. We relived old memories and made new ones. We compared stories within our covey and found comfort in something akin to a conclave confirmation.

The 2007 Advent and Christmas season has found us with a great deal of sickness and even death. My sister-in-law who had Alzheimers badly, passed away the first week in December. She was only 72. We will miss her. She was a dear friend to me. It's hard to believe how fast she folded up in the past 7 years. By the time she passed, she could no longer walk or talk. She was very agitated most of the time. We are grateful that she is free and whole again, now. I had a wonderful dream of her the night after she passed. I saw her get her wings. Thank you for a prayer answered, Lord.

#2 and #3 daughters and their children have been sick with respiratory ailments as have my husband and I. Finally, we are all on the mend.

#2 daughter has a lump in her breast and goes to the specialist tomorrow. We live in fear and we live in hope. We pray. And we ask for your prayers. Amen.

So that's where we are at the start of 2008.

My prayer for you is that all you Mothers, Daughters, Sisters, Fathers, Sons, Children and Relatives, Love Each Other the best you can. Don't waste a minute of the time given to you. May 2008 be the year you Love the Best Yet!

A Birth Mother's Tears

2007-10-07T22:27:00.000-04:00

I cried alone
hot tears, breathless moan
in the dark of night

I cried my tears
for thirty-five years
in the dark of night

I cry with her
held in my two arms
in the light of day

I've cried these tears
for just three years
in the light of day

I thank you God
in the dark of night
and the light of day
I thank you God.

Thanks Giving

2007-09-14T21:25:00.000-04:00

This is a good week. A very good week. I sent my eldest granddaughter (who knows me only as Sue) a birthday present last week. My birth daughter called tonight and thanked me for the gift and thankfully it was 'just the right thing'. Then she moved on to talk about all the ordinary stuff that friends and families talk about. And she (with her husband's full and eager approval) is inviting her Mom, my husband and myself, and my two other daughters (and families) all to Thanksgiving Dinner! It just doesn't get any better than this folks.
Before we hung up, she put her oldest daughter on the phone and we talked for awhile. She is such a lovely young lady and has no problem talking with an old(er) lady. "Hi, Sue. I love my birthday present! It is just per-fect!"
"Did it fit okay, honey?"
"Oh yes, it's awesome! Thank you."
"Hmm, you are so welcome." (>:

It's Still a Bit Tricky Getting Together

2007-08-26T17:25:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since I have posted here. Was away for a few weeks and then have been very busy since coming home--taking care of a sister-in-law with severe AZ. She has been with us for four weeks now and will be here for another two. 24-7! She is absolutely though the sweetest lady you could ever know. I know we will miss her terribly when she leaves us; it will be a bit like loosing your baby............which is what this blog is about, right? Well, in part...It's also about finding your baby. And praise God, I did find mine 3 1/2 years ago.
And speaking of her. We had a great visit yesterday. It was one of those 'once in a lifetime' days. My husband was baptized in the Catholic faith. He also received four other sacraments at the same mass--five, all told. I have never seen such a thing before. He was 1) Baptized, 2) Confirmed, and he 3) Received his first Holy Communion (Eucharist), 4) Received the Annointing of the Sick and 5) Our Marriage was blessed.
After that Spirit filled celebration of Mass, we had a party for him at my sister's house. Among those present was my birth daughter and her two lovely daughters. The day could not have been better for me--well unless I was thirty pounds lighter...
Her (Adoptive) Mom called me the night before to wish us (my husband and I) well and tell us we were in her prayers. She shared (more than most) in our emotions, because she too had been married out of the church and then later had it blessed in the church. She understands.............so much...........
My birth daughter's adopted mother......the sister of my heart.....we share a daughter and so much more. She does not know about this web site, but occasionally I almost wish she did, so she could know how precious she is to me.
It's still a bit tricky (to say nothing of nerve wracking) getting together with my birth daugter and her children because her children still do not know that I am their biological grandmother. But things are so very wonderful and so much more than I ever expected, I cannot say that I wish for more. Things are as they are, and I am grateful!

Birth Mothers Are Powerfully Strong People

2007-07-19T21:55:00.000-04:00

Just came back from my writer's group meeting. We are all women writers here in central Maine. Our meeting was warm, emotional, and fruitful. We read some of our work and critiqued each other's work. Tonight I read the first page from my manuscript, The Empty Chair. Yes you've heard me speak of that manuscript before--the one which was really my memoirs--my birth mother story--but written as fiction. Finally, I thought I had it finished months ago. But now I have decided to write it as non-fiction--my memoir. I am in the process of (once again) rewriting it. I read the first page only to our group. I never seem to expect it to be so traumatic for me to read as it always turns out to be. My insides shook, and my lip quivered uncontrollably for about 20 minutes after I finished reading. But, each time I do this, I find it easier and easier to talk about. Of course these were strictly women that I was sharing with this evening--that does make it a bit easier.
I don't know when people; all I know is that I WILL eventually get my story out there. I want hordes of people to read it and understand what it was like back then, why we gave up our babies, and the consequences--good and bad--for the birth mother, adoptive family, and the surrendered/adopted child. I can't change any of it--not sure I would if I could--I just want people to have some insight into that dark, secret and painful world that we had to live in all alone. Birth mothers are powerfully strong people--they carry the weight of the world on their shoulders with no rest. They may have made mistakes, maybe huge mistakes, but they have paid a price few can imagine and come out stronger than they ever wanted to be.

Through It All

2007-06-28T17:42:00.000-04:00

No matter how old you get--no matter how old your mother gets--one tends to always go to Mom when you really have something to celebrate--or when the chips are down.

Last week my (surrendered) daughter had surgery. I only found out yesterday. She was home alone on the couch. She cannot walk. She had nothing to do with even her children gone (to stay with relatives). She called me and we talked for about a half hour.

After the initial shock of learning of her surgery, we discussed her problem and the surgery and her proposed recovery. I tried to offer help with everything from grocery shopping, to laundry; from driving her to pick up her children next week or to her check up at the doctor's. She and her husband had all bases covered.

I am first and foremost grateful--grateful that she is going to be fine, that she has a sweetheart of a husband who adores her and will take very good care of her, and grateful that she called me and filled me in.

Then, like her (Adoptive) Mom who lives about three and a half hours away, I am still worried that she will overdo; that she will need something and I will not be there to help her.

And lastly, I am sad--sad that I was probably the last person in her circle, to find out. I was not the Mom that she called as soon as she found out she needed surgery. I was not the Mom arriving in her hospital room with a bouquet of flowers. I was not the Mom spiffing up her house before she came home. I was not the Mom checking in with her by phone a dozen times a time. Yes, this is the way it is. I know.

And then there is her (adopted) Mom. I know, as a mother, how relieved she would be if she thought our daughter had me there for her every little need. And last but not least--most importantly--there is our daughter. She could benefit from my being more in her life. But again, this is the way it is. While we all loose in these respects, I think we all know that overall, we have all come out winners.

Now that I have done my whining Lord, please know that through it all I have a grateful heart. I thank you that she had the surgery and that she came through it fine. Thank you for allowing me to have birthed this beautiful person and thank you for putting her back into my life. Thank you for her understanding, compasionate, and loving Mom. And for her husband, children and yes Lord, for her love of me--I am grateful.

God Is Great

2007-06-05T19:46:00.000-04:00

I was just drying my hands, preparing to pick up the phone and call her, when the phone rang. She called me. Serendipity!

She told me all about her Mother's Day at her Mom's. What a joy to hear her happy chatter. I could imagine her Mom's happiness at having them (daughter A. and her two girls) make that long trip just to spend the weekend with her. There is relief for a birth mother, in finding that her surrendered child was adopted by good parents and most importantly (for me) that she had a loving mother whom she loves back. She did not feel a lacking because she was without me--rather she felt she had everything and because I surrendered her. But there is more than relief for me, there is a genuine joy. She had the best a child can have in this world.

I am very much in favor of the open adoptions that are taking place today. The birth mother often meets with the prospective adoptive parents and they get to know each other. Seems a lot better than just signing your name on a paper and hoping for the best. In my case, I prayed to God for the best.

However, if I had interviewed prospective parents, I could not have chosen better. Contrary to the opinion offered in a new book, God Is Great!

Nightmare of a Birth Mother

2007-05-25T13:34:00.000-04:00

Just when I thought we had settled into a lovely and comfortable relationship. Though of course it is not, can not be, exactly what I would prefer--I thought I had accepted it and was comfortable with it as it IS. Of course I would prefer that this surrendered/found child of mine knew me and trusted in and relied on my love every bit as much as my other two daughters, do. But, the fact is we simply do not share the history that puts mothers and daughters in that position. We do, however, share a strong bond, a true love that belongs to mothers and daughters. We do chat sporadically and catch up on family news. We do pray for each other and each other's concerns. I thought I was comfortable with this relationship.
Then, last night, I had a dream. I dreamed that I went to visit my birth daughter (I'll call her A_ for the rest of the story, as in A, B and C) as we had previously planned. She had a friend visiting. I sat down at the kitchen table, opposite from her friend. Her friend seemed friendly enough when we were introduced, by A_. But I soon noticed that she had turned her body in a 90 degree angle from me. She carried on a conversation with A_ and simply left me out of the conversation. After a short time, she got up and announced she had to be going.
"It was nice to meet you," I called after her as A_ accompanied her through the dining room doorway.
I noticed her right arm come up and her hand flap as she whispered (though I heard it) to A_,
"I just can't handle her. I can't handle this."
Then she was gone and A_ was back in the kitchen. She took her seat in the rocker near me.
"A_," I started hesitantly, "Is there anything wrong?"
"Well, we're all still sick," she answered as her face grew red and she lifted her hands to the sides of her long hair and lifted it back off her hot face.
She continued with a bit of drivel, before finally starting to fess up to the real problem. It seemed not only her friend, but also her husband were having a difficult time accepting me into their circle. And this in turn, made it difficult for A_ to accept me.
I woke up hardly able to breath. She was cutting me out...albeit gently...I could see the hand writing on the wall. I was suffocating.
I am a birth mother who surrendered her first born for adoption. She was adopted by an amazing family and led a blessed and happy life. They are a close knit family. I am blessed beyond belief to have been allowed entrance into their lives. We share a common bond and a real love for one another. The Adoptive mother is one of the very finest human beings I have ever known, and I have to note that she was probably a much better mother than I ever could have been. I have two daughters, B_ and C_, who share my life, and I theirs, completely. I got every thing I prayed for. These are the facts and I am grateful.
It's been 7 hours since that dream. I am hot and weak. Still having difficulty breathing. What does it all mean?

15 Things You Probably Never Knew or Thought About

2007-05-20T12:43:00.000-04:00

Are you a birth mother who has experienced guilt? low self-esteem? Or some form of depression? It is my experience that we collectively know those dark areas better than most of society.
I received a forward email this morning that seemed to speak quite aptly to us--birth mothers; even though we were not the intended audience. I will print it below, exculding the part begging to be forwarded--or else--(>:
Read it slowly birth mothers and do take it to heart--numbers 7 and 10 especially.

15 Things You Probably Never Knew or Thought About

1. At least 5 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone , even if they don't like you.

5. Every night , SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

6. You mean the world to someone.

7. If not for you , someone may not be living.

8. You are special and unique.

9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.

10. When you make the biggest mistake ever , something good comes from it.

11. When you think the world has turned its back on you , take a look: you most likely turned your back on the
world.

12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want , you probably won't get it , but if you believe in yourself ,probably , sooner or later , you will get it.

13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.

15. If you have a great friend , take the time to let them know that they are great.

A Minute: They say it takes a minute to find a special person , an hour to appreciate them , a day to love them , but then an entire life to forget them.

And I, SueB, would like to add that after nine months with them, you will never forget them.
Further more, even if you never lay eyes upon them while on this earth--you will know each other in his kingdom!

God bless us all, everyone.

Happy Mother's Day

2007-05-12T23:04:00.000-04:00

Whether you are a birth mother, adoptive mother, or just mother, or
all of the above, Happy Mother's Day to all mothers out there. And God bless all our children who made us mothers.
God Bless All, Every one.

Birth Mothers and The Webs We Do Spin--Or Don't

2007-05-09T19:08:00.000-04:00

Have you ever seen a five year old make their grandmother squirm? And over the telephone?
I was talking to my five year granddaughter on the phone, just a few minutes ago. We were talking about going camping in the RV this summer. She asked if Sara and Cassie (fake names) could go with us. I replied, "Well sure..I guess..If they want to..But you know honey, they are shy girls and may not want to go with us without their parents or grandparents."
"But, you're their grandmother," she threw right back at me.
Wow, a five year old figured that one out! Can it be that Sara and Cassie haven't figured it out? They are 9 and 11 years old.
"Yes, but honey they don't know that. You and Nanny have known each other since the day you were born; but, it's not that way with us. They only know Margaret (fake name) as their grandmother. They don't know they have another one."
"Nanny, was Margaret in our family before you gave my aunt away?"
"No sweetheart, but she is now and Nanny loves her very much."
"But Nanny, some people have five kids and they keep them all. Why did you have to give my aunt away?"
"Because honey, I had no Daddy for her and no money to take care of her with. I found Margaret who had the Daddy and money, but no little girl to love. She took your aunt for her own little girl and I will always love her for it. She gave her all kinds of love and everything that I could not give her."
"Okay, but I hope they will go camping with us."
And that was the end of that...for now, anyways.
I always worry that this little five year old will say something to Sara and/or Cassie when they are together about our true relationship. I have expressed this concern to my birth daughter, but she just passes over it. She does not 'appear' to worry about it. Perhaps I should not. But I do.
I have hurt so many people right from ground-zero on. When I found my precious daughter 3 1/2 years ago, I vowed I would not hide it anymore. No more lies. This is still my mantra, but it is very difficult when her children do not know the truth. She tells them no un-truths, but...
As usual, I look back with hind sight and try to second guess everything I have done. I tried to let all my daughters handle this relationship in their own way. But in hind sight, perhaps I should have suggested that the three of them sit down together and decide exactly how much they were going to tell their children and how much they were going to hold back. Wouldn't it be much wiser if they were all on the same page?

A Birth Mother's Fairy Tale

2007-05-05T20:04:00.000-04:00

For all of her life, she has been like my little fairy. She was tiny, precious, magical and unseen. Yes, this magical baby I had dreamed of for my whole life, I finally gave birth to. I felt her movement before birth and hoped she felt my love. After giving birth, I never laid eyes on her. I feared if I saw her, I would not be able to go through with it. I signed her birth certificate and the next time I signed my name, it was on her surrender for adoption. Yet there seemed to be this invisible cord connecting the two of us for all of those thirty-five years, before I first saw her. At the other end of this cord, I knew, she danced her dance and enchanted the lives of all those who could see her. And I hoped, hope against hope, that one day I would catch a glimpse of my little fairy dancing at the end of that cord connecting us.
I dedicate the following poem, which I wrote yesterday, to daughters everywhere.

One Breath

Morning sun has yet to rise;
Yet the darkness of night has evaporated
Like the last puff of smoke
From the candles
on her birthday cake.
In one big breath,
all five she had blown out.
And now, her wish was to be granted.
Grandmother’s pink patchwork quilt
she throws back
with the sheet she kicks.
Crusted eye lids she rubs
With one hand, while the other pushes
Her PJ bottoms down. She steps
Into the shorts waiting on her bed bottom.
She grabs the wrinkled striped t-shirt
As her two bare feet hastily pad
Across the cold tile in silence.
She times her steps to fall
As baby sisters grit their teeth.
Past brother’s room where he and the dog sleep
She tip-toes down the stairs

And out the door.
Stretching arms tug
the t-shirt over her head,
As those tough little feet dig
in the dust.
Looking to the east, she speeds on.
Like red fox tails, bed-head-braids follow her.
The slope she assails in stealth.
Just at the moment an orange glow burns
its way up to the treetops, off in the east,
She slips through the veil.

Long lean limber limbs hang
Heavy and wet with dew.
Wet strings assault her cool, bare legs.
She shivers more from fright
Of spiders, than from the wet and cold.
The rock and earth, bark and leaves,
Life and death, she inhales.
The path she carefully abandons.
Through knee high new growth, she wades
In large leaves that sit high and noticeable
like her brother’s new, two front teeth.

The curious child stoops and studies
A silver spun web that glistens
In the diffused sunlight filtering
Through this dim den.
The fine threads ooze and drip
bee-bee sized dew drops.
Two sparkling legs hold fast
To pin-holed skeletons
Of crunchy, khaki leaves that carpet
The black earth below threaded, she remembers,
With a maze of tiny white kinked roots.

Settling on a bolder,
free of ants and spiders,
Motionless and silent, she sits.
The silver web she watches.
All the while she scans
The vicinity, patiently waiting
For her birthday wish to be granted.
Santa Clause may not be real…
But fairies…Fairies are real.
This she knows.

Few others know of the fairies.

And who had seen them? Not her.
But last night she had blown out all the candles with one big breath…

Birth Mother Enjoys a Blessed Day

2007-04-29T19:50:00.000-04:00

Today was one of those days that come under a special heading, Blessed.
My husband and I attended Mass at our daughter's (daughter B) church. Her two children were baptized. Daughter C was the Godmother for one of them. Daughter A (my firstborn child, surrendered for adoption) and her two girls also attended this Mass. They sat with us.
All three of my children and all six of my grandchildren were there at Mass with us. The impact of it all, hit me shortly after the Baptism. Of course my face was drenched in tears, no matter the wiping, for a good five minutes. But they were all happy tears. After so many years of crying the tears of sorrow, these were all tears of joy today.
Thirty family members went out to eat after the Mass. From my family, were my daughters and their children, my parents and one of my brothers. My brother was the Godfather of one of the children.
What a blessed day!

That's My Girl

2007-04-27T23:07:00.000-04:00

I've always had this condition where I can barely sweat. When I get over heated, my face bloats and reddens. The flesh on top seems to rise up, almost seperated from the meat under. Like there is a fluid barrier in-between. I have often wondered if 'anyone else' suffers this same affliction. It's nothing serious, though it has proved embarassing to me in my younger days.
Yesterday I drove to my birth daughter's home for a little visit. She and her husband were working outside, doing some spring clean-up on their grounds. The afternoon air was hot and dry. As she walked from around the back of their house and towards our car, I was taken by her face so much like mine...red and bloated.
It was one of those landmark incidents for me. That's my girl!
Like her asthma, this is something I never would have wished on her. And yet, there is that certain quickening of the pulse, tightening of the chest, swelling of the heart--whenever I see a part of me, in her.
I am a birth mother who surrendered her first born, baby girl, for adoption. I am a birth mother who has found her child and celebrates everytime she even thinks of this daughter now! I am a birth mother who is proud and eternally grateful to say, That's my girl!

In This Birth Triad, We All Know Our Places

2007-04-22T19:00:00.000-04:00

It has been three years and three months since I found my birth daughter. This week has been school vacation. She and her husband and children were going to travel about three hours north to visit her Mom. I have not heard from her. Am I happy? You bet I am!
No news is good news, and what a relief that is! In the old days I worried continually. She could be sick, or in pain. She could need me, and I would never know...
Today, I know if she is hurting I will hear. What a relief that is! Just to know my daughter is happy is huge... I can hardly wait to hear all about their week. I know I will hear soon. Probably from her and from her Mom.
In this birth triad of the Surrendered/Adopted Daugther and the Adoptive Mother, and the Birth Mother, we all know our places in each other's lives. And that place is a place worthy of the spiritual investment we have in each other. The truth is, I never would have imagined that, with the given circumstances, it could be this good! God is good...
Perhaps, there is some wee bit of sage advice in here, to other Birth Mothers, or Birth Children, or Adoptive Mothers. If there is, it would be, to slowly find your place with each other. Never miss an opportunity to appeciate each other and the part you have played in each other's lives. And know that without any one of you, the other two would not be 'who' you are. Each Mother is a necessary ingredient in who the Child is. And certainly the Child has strongly influenced who the Mothers have become! And may God bless us all. (>:

The Cross of a Birth Mother

2007-04-04T19:45:00.000-04:00

April 6, 1969. It was Easter Sunday and I did not even know the date. I never knew the date on which Easter occurred that year until just a few minutes ago. I googled it and found the answer--April 6, 1969.
I was pregnant and had been told my due date was about a week and a half before Easter. I had been 'in hiding' since my fourth month of pregnancy. With high hopes of spending Easter back home with my family, I (deliberately) lost track of the date.
You see, I did not want to know the date on which I delivered and I did not want to know the sex of the child I delivered. Truth is, I even considered hypnotism to erase all memory of being pregnant, giving birth, and the subsequent surrender for adoption. It was my thought that the more I knew, the deeper the pain.
But I never did go for hypnotism. I had already lost the child; I could not bear to loose even the memory of her in my womb.
My baby, nestled in my womb, attended Easter Sunday Mass with me. Just the two of us, as usual. I knew no one else in this church so far away from home. Easter Sunday came and went. I was not to see my parents and siblings for a few weeks yet. My baby was born nine days after Easter. (This is another fact I only just learned.)
I had succeeded all too well. I did loose track of the date for several weeks. I never knew my baby's birth date until I found her three years ago. For thirty-five years, I had celebrated her birth in my heart on April 12th. That was as close as I could approximate. After I found my daughter, I found out her birthday was actually April 15th.
I was such a weak vessel, trying desperately to make things easier on myself. I just didn't seem able to face reality. But as it turned out, everything that I did not know, only made it more difficult to live with. I did know that my baby was a girl. I had a dream a couple of weeks before she was born, and saw her. I knew this dream was true--I had truly seen her. I fell in love with her! (Then after she was born, a nurse let it slip that she was a girl. Didn't matter, I already knew.)
So it has come to pass, that every Easter since has 'resurrected' her birth and the pain of loosing her. I would like to say, 'until I found her'. But even this is not the case. While I do rejoice now in having found her, Easter still always takes me back. The cross of a birth mother has been a heavy cross to carry. My greatest hope is that the sacrifice was worth it in the life of my daughter and her mother (adoptive). I believe they both were and remain most happy with what my decision gave them.
Still, the cross of a birth mother has been a heavy cross to carry...a cross I fashioned my self.

Tonight Was a First For This Birth Mother

2007-03-27T22:31:00.000-04:00

Well, tonight was a first.
I attended my weekly Creative Writing class. Our assignment this week was for an essay--an autobiographical essay. So, I decided to use something from my manuscript The Empty Chair. Upon reviewing it, I found I was not a very good writer, when I wrote this--my first manuscript. So I started the 'rewrite', again..
In doing so, I further decided I will rewrite the entire manuscript and then try again to get it published.
So, what was 'a first' tonight? Well, the instructor and the other students always critique a piece, after we read it. Tonight, they offered no corrections and no suggestions beyond "You have to publish this!"
Four pages from my manuscript evoked a lot of positive feedback and a lot of curiousity. People wanted more!
So now, I will give you people those same four pages. And you tell me--do you want more? What do you think of these four pages? I surely would appreciate your feed back.
Thanks.
SueB

I could smell the hot, dry dust beneath me, as I lay crumpled in the driveway, beside my beautiful 1967 Mustang. That September day, in 1968, is forever and indelibly etched in my mind. How I wished I could simply dissolve into the dust and be gone from the world. But the reality was, there was to be no easy way out.
Almost unrecognizable was the woman standing over me. My mother, who had cradled me, soothed me, empathized with me, praised me, bragged on me and loved me, was now looming over me in a rage. Scarlet faced, with disheveled hair and bulging eyes, she looked at me, with what? Contempt, disgust and, if I am truthful, pure hatred.
I had driven into the driveway, an 18-year-old girl, in trouble, with a crumpled right front fender on her beautiful car, staggering under a broken engagement from her first and only love. I was just trying to figure out how I was going to explain the car to my parents, when I saw my mother, with her fists clenched, walking towards my car. Her neck was covered in big red blotches--not a good sign. Mustering my every last ounce of courage, I opened the car door and stepped out. She demanded to know what had happened.
I tried to explain, “I cut too sharp when turning off the Cove Road onto the Main Road and clipped that telephone pole.”
“And tell me, just what were you doing over there?”
Well, the whole story came tumbling out. I had literally been chasing Dougie, who was in his father’s truck. I just needed to talk with him, but he wasn’t interested. Her words came rushing out, between clenched teeth, in a rapidly rising crescendo, “Why, Susanne?…. What did you need to talk with him about? Don’t you have any pride?… What did you need to talk with him about?!”
I couldn’t answer. She took me completely by surprise when she suddenly lowered her voice with the dreaded, “Susanne, are you pregnant?”
Slumping against my battered automobile, looking down at the ground I was standing on, I somehow managed a whispered, “I don’t know….”
My sympathetic mother was nowhere to be found. There was a mad woman flailing over me, slapping me, screaming at me. As I lay on the ground, in a demoralized heap of helplessness and shame, my mother, just before turning her back to me and walking away, kicked me. My mother screamed at me, with what sounded like it might possibly be her last breath, “Whore!”
………..
Just a few short weeks ago, I had been the happiest girl in the world, soon to marry my first and only love. I had a new, better paying job. My new metallic blue Mustang car was just too cool. And wardrobe--mine now contained more pieces than it ever had in my entire life and I chose each piece personally. Whether I bought it or sewed it, every piece was hip. Every payday I picked out a new Match Box for Nathan, my 6 year old brother. Weekends often found my two younger sisters, Fran 13, and Marcy 12, eagerly climbing into my Mustang, for a trip to the movies. One of my greatest joys, in my new adult life, was in giving my Mom special little gifts. She had never been one to spend money on herself. I purchased Christmas dishes, for her, new every-day clothes and nice nighties. (At 40 years old, my Mom was looking pretty good. Not a tall woman, she stood at 5’3” and weighed about 120 pounds. Though fairly petite by most people’s standards, she seemed to tower above me. At 4’11” and 100 pounds I felt myself much smaller than my mother. But it was more than mere body size…) A genuine happiness grew deep within me simply from finally being able to do for her, after a lifetime of taking, taking, while she went without.
Friends and family had given me a bridal shower. The wedding invitations had been sent. Mom had sewn my lily white, satin wedding gown. Dougie had completed his instruction in the Catholic faith and had been baptized.
Dougie and I were planning to build a new house. However, we would live in this really sweet second hand mobile home, we had purchased, in the meantime. We would make our home in an old stand of pine near the top of the hill beyond his parents’ house. I had long daydreamed of this time and now it was so close I could smell the pines. I could hear them whispering to me.
It was a cool and crisp, early-spring Saturday morning. Still, the sun was bright and high in the sky. The earth was fragranced with that half mud, and half chlorophyll, ‘coming to life’ smell. After hours of placing my belongings, in my future home, I sat in the living room and daydreamed of the first Christmas we would spend here, together. Gazing into the kitchen, I imagined myself cooking our meals and washing our dishes. And the evenings, oh we would sit right here and watch I Dream of Genie together. The little room---perhaps we would have a baby before we got our house built. If so, he would have the little room. I saw the crib against the far wall, with soft lighting, and our baby nestled under a soft blue pastel baby blanket.
But for now, the little room would serve as my sewing room. Having just completed sewing new curtains for the kitchen, I had my sewing machine all set up in there, and ready for the next project. And back there, in the bedroom-our bedroom-it would be so warm and cozy. We would spend all night together, every night…in each other’s arms…cheek to cheek, rubbing faces…kissing…whispering…kissing…
Why? I turned it over in my mind, over and over again. Why did I ever have to say anything? Perhaps, if I had kept my mouth shut, we would be happily married right now. He loved me. He would be happy with the life I could give him, especially when he could have all the lovemaking he wanted, from me…Then there wouldn’t be any other girls in his life. He would feel no need for them. But, I had opened my mouth and forever changed our lives.